Desire of Freedom
by King Nate
Summary: In college, Freddie has a lot of things that he must deal with over numerous years. The one thing he wants more than anything, is freedom from all of his troubles.


Desire of Freedom

Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly

A/N: They're in college now. This idea came to me while watching a show.

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-FREDDIE IT IS-

Freddie lay on the small hill in the park, he was gazing up into the blue sky. He smiled lightly as he saw a bird fly by. He really wanted to be like the bird, to fly freely in the sky. He wanted to soar above the clouds and thrust himself forward with little care. He shook his head and closed his eyes, who was he kidding, really? He'd never fly, never. Why should he? Why should he be free? _"I was only put on this earth as a joke…"_

Freddie pushed himself up and sighed, he honestly could care less about flying. It was the desire to be free that he had. Ever since he was younger, iCarly had come to an end. The famous trio split up when they had a fight they could never fix. Looking back on it now, Freddie knew they could have patched things up if they tried, but it was far too late. Carly didn't talk to them anymore and still lived in Seattle. She said she would never speak to them again, it didn't even matter what happened.

Sam, sweet Sam, she and her mother moved away years ago. She and Freddie still spoke, but not that much. They were really great friends, however. She lived somewhere in Texas now. She had sent Freddie a picture that she took with her friends, she was at a college named Midwestern State University. She said it was the best college she'd ever been to in her life, even if it was the _only_ college she'd ever been to. He missed his friends, but he could never see them. He loved Sam, but had never told her. He could never bring himself to ask her out before. Freddie's best friend was his pen pal, her name was Tricia, she lived in France.

Freddie lived in Nebraska, it was where his grandparents lived. Years ago, before they could ever fix their fight, his mom had died. It was said that his father wasn't able to provide enough for him, so he'd been sent to move in with his grandparents. It wasn't hard at first, but as time went on, things just seemed to get heavy. He talked to his father all the time on the phone, the man had remarried to a great woman. She cared a lot, and talked to Freddie quite a bit. Any chance they were able to, they came for a visit.

Freddie walked toward the parking lot of the park and shoved his hands in his pocket, he had a lot of things on his mind as of late, though they were pretty much the same stuff that had always been on his mind. He wondered about his grandparents, they always seemed so demanding. They were just looking out for what was best for him, but they didn't seem to understand that he needed some space. He needed time. He thought he could handle college, but he really couldn't. Hell, he was seeing both a counselor and a counselor at some psychology clinic on campus. The regular counselor was an academic one, checking on his grades.

He stopped walking and stared at a snow white truck. It was a small one, with only two seats and a nice bed, but it definitely worked for him. His truck, while he would have liked a better one, he was happy with the one he had. Freddie pulled his keys out and unlocked his door. Upon entering the vehicle, he started the car and rested his hands on the wheel. He didn't shift the gears, he only sat and listened to the music from the radio. As it played, he thought back to his prior meeting with his psych counselor.

-_Flashback-_

"I'm sorry that all I seem to talk about in here is my grandfather," Freddie said while running his hand through his hair. Every time he visited, he talked about issues in his life. Most of them were about his grandfather, and why not? His issues were traced back to the old man. The man seemed in control of everything. Freddie knew he cared, but the old man had always gone about it the wrong way. The counselor, Rob, didn't seem to mind at all.

"That's what you're here for," Rob said while setting his clipboard on his lap. "We're here to talk about these things, and I'm here to help you out." Freddie took a deep breath and glanced to the side, if only his grandparents could see all the tapes. If only they could understand why he was so depressed, but they couldn't, and they never would be able to. As much as they tried, they still could never get it. It was funny, everyone else understood just perfectly, but they did not. He was trapped basically. The grandparents were the ones providing for him, and they _constantly_ reminded him of that. Taking another sigh, he shifted his eyes over to meet his counselor and leaned forward slightly.

"Let me tell you a story." Rob nodded and Freddie prepared himself, he wanted to make it clear where he stood. "One day in this kingdom far away, there was this great knight. All he wanted to do was please the king. He wanted to do the right things, he wanted success in the things he did, but above all…he wanted to please this king." Rob nodded and rubbed his chin, listening well to the story.

"It never happened." Freddie looked down and narrowed his eyes, he felt a funny feeling inside of him once again. It felt like he was going to start crying, he hated to shed tears, _hated_ it. He took another deep breath and closed his eyes. "Everything he did, the King always said, it's not good enough. You're not doing it right! You can't do it! You have to do it _this_ way, not that way."

"It sounds like the king is hard to please…" Freddie slowly closed his hands and nodded, the King was very hard to please.

"Yes, and every time the king said these things, the knight would curse himself. He'd always ask…_why_? 'Why can't I do this right? Why am I not good enough? Why am I not smart enough? When will I be able to do this the right way!' It never changed…he kept asking these questions, and the king kept chipping away at him. While he never knew it, he was doing more damage to the Knight than he thought he was." Freddie felt his eyes beginning to water and he tried as hard as he could to fight the tears.

"The Queen, she was much more passive, however…she still seemed to take the King's side more. Even though she was also on the Knight's side most of the time, she never really understood the knight's problem and always tried to justify how the King acted. While they were with him, he really felt alone in it all."

"Was the knight truly alone?" Freddie thought for a minute and gave his shoulders a slight shrug. If he had to say, he really wasn't.

"In a far away land, a whole different kingdom, there was a jester. This jester and the knight were great friends, and the jester was the only one the knight trusted. They communicated through letters mostly, and had that one tiff that nearly destroyed the very thing that probably meant the most to the knight. When that happened, they were both thankful that they managed to talk it over, and all was fine."

"I see, so the Jester is the nights best friend, perhaps?" Freddie gave a nod and Rob smiled kindly. "Please, continue." Freddie thumbed the corners of his eye, hoping to rid any oncoming tears before they became apparent, it seemed like a war going on at the moment.

"All over the kingdom, the knight had many people that at some point of time, seemed nice. However, none of them truly cared about the knight. His closest friends had actually left him. As you can only imagine, there were only a few people that the knight actually believed and trusted." Freddie rubbed his eyes and moaned quietly. "Screw this, everything I'm saying, you already know anyway…"

"True…"

"You know how I've been stabbed in the back by every single goddamn 'friend' I've ever had, except for Tricia, and _maybe_ Sam. You know how my grandfather's always been so demanding, hell he even acts like he wants to be my father! I don't have a grandfather, I have two _fathers!_" The hurt inside was becoming stronger, clearer, however it felt good to talk about it and to release it. "All of my issues, they're the reason I'm screwing up in life, they're the reason that I'm going to fail college! Nothing else, I can't even _begin_ to focus on my studies with all these things weighing so heavily on me. Why the hell did I have to get stuck with these…people…for grandparents? Why do I have to take the years of physical, emotional, mental abuse from my grandfather? Even if he's not doing that crap anymore, I can't just _forget_ about it and move on!"

"It's not easy, I know, but that's what I'm going to help you with." Freddie's chest was heaving and he was panting hard. He had given up the battle with his tears and let them flow down. "It takes time, Freddie. It takes a lot of time, but eventually we're going to replace all those negative thoughts in your mind with positive ones. Ones that will help you to see better into the future…"

-_End Flashback-_

_"When? That was my question then, and it's my question now. When will things get better for me, when all I see are things growing worse?"_ Freddie scoffed as he started up the car and began to drive out from the parking lot. He had to admire the fact that he lived a ways away from his grandparents. _"I want to talk to Tricia, she always seems to help. I really think she's the only one that actually even comes close to understanding what I'm struggling with."_

He'd had it with all the broken promises in his life, all of the broken trusts. He couldn't trust anyone, because everyone in his life had turned their backs on him. It wasn't even because of his depression, half the time. It was really just because most of the people in his life were assholes. His grandfather was probably the biggest asshole of his life. His grandparents were the ones supporting him financially, paying for college and everything. They saw college as the only way to succeed in life and were determined to see him through it, even if he was having a hard time with it. Freddie turned a corner and came to a spot that overlooked a large valley. He parked the car and walked over to the edge of the large cliff.

"We're the ones paying for your college," Freddie mocked while narrowing his eyes and clenching his fists. "We're the ones who are caring for you, we're providing for you. No one else can." Freddie looked into the sky and closed his eyes. "I DON'T NEED YOU! I DON'T FUCKING NEED YOU! WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE GRANDPARENTS SHOULD BE?!" He took a deep breath and his chest heaved some more. "I live in hell…" He opened his eyes and tears ran down his cheeks. "Why can't I be with my mother? Why can't I go up to heaven where I'll be happy? My whole life has been nothing but a joke!"

He wiped his nose and stared off the cliff, he always loved to stop by this area and view the valley so far below. There was that little gate at the edge, to keep kids and other people from falling off. He knew that he needed his grandparents in order to help him financially, he was dependant on them. His father worked two jobs and couldn't provide for him. There wasn't anyone else to care for him, unless he moved to France, which he _really_ wanted to do. He was basically trapped. His grandparents wouldn't let him drop out of college, not without giving him hell for it, even without trying. His grandfather thought that he'd have to work at _McDonalds_ if he failed college.

"Never, never will I work at a goddamn fast food restaurant," Freddie muttered underneath his breath. He remembered one time when he tried to tell his grandparents of all his problems, but as he expected, as it always happened, it blew up in his face. That was literal. He remembered his grandfather shouting at him.

_"Yeah you got problems!" Grandpa exclaimed, saliva flying out of his mouth. "You got a lot, you don't even have anything good to say about anyone!"_

Why would he? Everyone he'd ever met almost had betrayed him in one way or another. He had some good to say about a few people, but it was so small. Freddie clenched his fists and closed his eyes, still thinking about that moment.

_"You don't understand, grandpa!" Freddie shouted out. His grandma was remaining silent, staring with wide eyes and feeling like something bad was going to happen._

_"Oh no, I understand perfectly! I've got nothing more to say, I'm not listening to this bullshit anymore!"_

_"Will you just hear me out!" After some more shouting, the grandpa had a silly little grin on his face and started acting like a fucking idiot, dancing around and trying to see if Freddie would actually hit him. That didn't happen, Freddie couldn't hit anyone, not even his grandfather. Instead, he joined in the shouting and kept telling him to get his gun and kill him, but the old man never got it. What did he think, that it was some sort of joke? Freddie had been completely serious. This kept going on until the grandma finally shoved the old man across the room, silencing him._

Sure, they were old and had been through a lot, they used that in their defense, but it meant nothing to Freddie. That moment had been horrible for him, he felt at his worst and could barely even move. What was the point of trying to explain himself, if it was only going to blow up in his face. He couldn't stand it much more, he felt more like a screw up than ever before. During that moment, he wanted to take his life right there, he even dreamt about it later. It was more like a strange nightmare, with him grabbing a knife and stabbing it into his own gut. Fortunately, he couldn't do that to himself. Never before had he had the capability to do such a deed. Even still, he didn't think it would matter if he was gone. Who would he be letting down, anyway?

"Tricia…" That was probably the only person that would even care the slightest bit if he died. He was sure everyone would be sad, but only for probably a day or two, then they would move on and be happy. He was sure that death was painful, but could it be as painful as the life he was already in? Could it be so painful? It would only be temporary, then he'd be in his mother's arms, right? He'd be in heaven, away from the hellish life that he was living in.

"Every day is hell…" Freddie hated how his grandfather acted like he was his _father_. Constantly, the old man was calling Freddie his _son_ and defending this by saying that he was the one taking care of him, that his father couldn't provide enough for him. "Sorry Gramps, but I'm not your goddamn son. I'm _not_ perfect like you want me to be, I never will be." Freddie's body shook and his tears went down harder as he took a step forward and clasped the guardrails at the edge of the cliff.

No, he wasn't good enough. He wasn't smart enough. He was sick and tired of hearing all the people that judged him while defending his grandfather. Freddie felt his muscles tense up as he stepped onto the lower rail. He was always wrong, his life was already screwed up and it would only become further screwed. He placed his second foot on the second rail and swallowed hard. What was the point it all? Who would he let down? Who would care? He could only think of one that would _truly_ care. He hated to let her down, but it was hard enough since really he couldn't give that physical comfort. More than anything, he wished he could be where his friend was and be able to give and receive actual hugs and feel the comfort that he needed. The strain on his life, the desire to be free, it was too much to bear. He had often thought of death, before he could never pull it off. It was impossible, and he was stronger because he didn't ever try to harm himself, but it wasn't enough anymore.

Freddie stepped on the final rail and took a deep breath. He hated the people who judged people like him, there was no reason for such judgment. Life is hard, yes. Death should never be an answer, true. Yet Freddie could feel no more care for this, he didn't want to live in hell anymore. He was ready to wake up in his mother's arms. "I'm sorry Tricia, please forgive me…but I can't stand this hell anymore…You were my best friend and the only person that actually _ever_ felt like family to me. Goodbye." With that, he threw himself from the top rail and held his arms out. He closed his eyes and felt the cool wind blowing against him, he was flying. He was soaring. He was finally like a bird, even if just for a moment. It would hurt when it ended, but it would be brief. Like the free bird that soared into freedom, he would soon be free from the hell that had a hold on him. Soon, he would awaken in the arms of his mother and in a place where there would be no more grief.

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That's the end, yes it ends sorrowfully, and this one I don't intend to write a sequel to.


End file.
